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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!