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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!