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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"