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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.