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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
A man is as faithful as his options
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.