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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.