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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
I forgot to post this earlier
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.