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All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.