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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.