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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.