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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.