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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time