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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.