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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside