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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.