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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"