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The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
I drink coffee for your protection.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.