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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!