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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!