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I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes