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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.