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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.