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I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
It needs more cowbell!!
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"