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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.