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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`