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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.