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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.