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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.