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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.