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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.