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While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.