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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO