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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.