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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that Iām still not a real adult.