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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"