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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.