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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.