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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.