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My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.
How long does it take to get obsessed?