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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.