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Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.