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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.