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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly