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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman