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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...