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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
In space they just call it "Jam"
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.