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If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.