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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.