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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.