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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.