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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.