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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.