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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!