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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.