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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.