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I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.