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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."