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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.