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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.