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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Carfax but for people
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.