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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?