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Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.