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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.