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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver