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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?