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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.