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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I should come with a warning label.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors