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I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.