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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.