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If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.