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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.