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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."