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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. Iām gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
That moment when being uncool, is cool